Sometimes people ask me what it’s like to be pregnant during “these times”. Usually they mean a pandemic and while that has been a unique experience, mine is much more complex than that. Sometimes people encourage me to just take a break from advocacy and focus on becoming a mom but the two will always be connected in ways I couldn’t really explain. I decided to write a poem instead.
Battling Loneliness After Moving for University/College
While moving away for school is exciting, there are many things you may face that often don’t get talked about. A major battle many of us face is loneliness. Moving to a new environment away from your friends, family, and other familiarities that make you feel feelings of love, and security can leave you vulnerable to loneliness, isolation, and even depression. Here are a few tips that can help you combat loneliness and mental illness in your new environment.
1. Work on surrounding yourself in a community in your new environment. Sometimes loneliness and depression makes us want to isolate ourselves even more. However what our bodies and our minds really need is to feel connected again. Attend an event or two, maybe introduce yourself to the person next to you in class. You never know what kind of relationships you might build!
2. Recognize that you can call more than one place home! Fully investing in your new environment doesn’t mean you have to abandon your old one.
3. Keep track of how you’re feeling and what triggers the way you feel. Ditch the habits that are harmful to your mental health and focus on adapting the healthy ones to your daily routine.
4. Have a schedule being intentional with what you do. In such a vulnerable season , too much boredom can become a breeding ground for bad habits when you feel alone.
5. It’s okay to plan trips back home to recharge as long as you don’t become dependent on those trips to survive and function. If it’s your first time, plan a trip within the first few weeks just in case!
I hope these are even a little bit helpful for you! If you have any other tips or want to share your own experience, feel free to share in the comments below!
The Best Day I’ve Had in Years #BellLetsTalk
Last Friday was one of the best days that I have had in years. I’ve been very open on social media about my experiences with mental illness, specifically dealing with PTSD however, a lot of the details of my struggles have left me in the dark with doctors telling me they are not sure what’s wrong or what to do for years. Some mornings I wake up without memory of where I work, who the closest people around me are, or on the worst days I wake up unable to move, without memory of how to even walk.
Everything changed last Friday. For years I have jumped from doctor to doctor searching for an answer on my worsening condition. Every week I have been spending 3 hours in intensive therapy where they have been closely analyzing my symptoms and experiences to give me an updated diagnosis. Last Friday was the best day I have had in a long time because I got that diagnosis and for the first time, this doctor looked me in my eyes and told me that everything I was experiencing was normal, that they had answers and I was going to be okay.
Over the years, and even more recently I have had people (close people) tell me my condition wasn’t real because “who could be okay one day I and not okay the next”. Comments like these are what made my journey even harder and on some days even made me want to give up.
Last Friday changed everything for me because it confirmed that my experiences and feelings were valid and that what I was experiencing was normal and something I could overcome. Experiences like what so had last Friday are what we need to give to others. Just because we don’t understand someone’s struggle doesn’t make it not real. The best thing we can do is help others see that their feelings and experiences are valid and real. As confusing as it can be for us on the outside looking in, it is even more terrifying for the person affected. So for #bellletstalk I want to challenge everyone to do more to support their friends in need and to mindful of the words you speak. If you have someone in your life who might be struggling, the best thing you can tell them is that their feelings are valid and to offer support in whatever way they need. Be patient with your loved ones and steer away from judgement. Your response to their situation makes a greater impact than you think. #bellletstalk
Poem is from my book, Warriors in Broad Daylight 💖
PTSD: How to FINALLY Enjoy the “Most Wonderful Time of the Year”.
The Christmas season is here and what many will call the most wonderful time of the year also acts as the worst for others. For myself, the holidays mean family time, and as someone who suffered abuse because of family it brings back many memories of being in danger that I’d much rather avoid.
My birthday also falls on Christmas Eve and when I turned 17 years old, I spent the day being sexually assaulted by my partner at the same before going home to my family who teased me for not being present.
For the past couple of years enjoying the holidays and my birthday has been almost impossible (with the exception of a few people going out of their way to make it special) but this year I believe I’ve unlocked the key to breaking free from these memories and finally enjoying myself. I hope that in reading this, others who have a difficult time celebrating because of memories can find a way to enjoy them this time around as well.
It’s easy for people who have not experienced PTSD to say “just stop living in the past”. If it was that easy I promise I would do it! I’ve come to realize that my brain replays the most intense memories that I have. Unfortunately for me most of them have been traumatic ones. Lately, I’ve been trying something new by creating intense good memories for my brain to go back to so that it can finally stop going back to the bad ones. So far it’s been working really well.
By avoiding celebrating the holidays or my birthday, I’ve actually been robbing myself of the opportunity to make new memories to look back on. The longer I continue to do this the longer my mind continues to go back to the darker times when it hears the words Christmas or birthday. This year I’m going to try something new and I’d like to encourage anybody who is having a tough time these season to join me.
Make this season the best season you’ve ever had. Go out of your way to create amazing memories this year that will last you a long, long time. This holiday season, you need to put your happiness first. If enjoying the holidays this year means skipping out on family time and going to the spa on your own then do it! If it means reading your favourite book while relaxing on your own, or spending your time doing something extravagant with someone new then do it! It’s got to be something that scares you just a little bit but also gives you joy. Something big enough that every time you look back on the holiday season you remember that year you put yourself first and actually had a good time and felt happy for once.
This year I’m not completely sure what I want to do, but I plan to surround myself with people who genuinely make me feel loved and happy. I plan to visit new places, and explore new things that I don’t already have a memory with so that I can have a fresh start when it comes to making new memories.
For the first time in a long time I’m very excited for the holiday season. I’m even listening to Christmas music again! Not that you have to take it that far, but be open to the possibilities and take a leap of faith that putting in the extra effort this year to make brand new, better memories may be worth while.
If you try this out for yourself, I’d love to hear from you! Shoot me a message and let me know how it works out!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours and I hope you finally get the season you deserve.
With Love,
MayaSpoken
Why I went BALD! Losing all my hair and learning to love myself regardless.
As a young girl, I had beautiful long kinky 4c hair. Unfortunately, I didn't always see it that way. As a black girl growing up in predominately white environments it became difficult to love the beautiful things about myself that made me so different. My hair especially. By the age of 9, I was used to my friends telling me I would look so nice if I would just make my hair straight like theirs. I would run home to my mother and cry because there was no way I could possibly achieve that silky straight hair. My hair grew up instead of down and was the topic of many conversations and the punchline to a lot of really mean jokes. Names like spider head, medusa, and ratchet echo'd through the hallways and back in my ears every day again as I looked in the mirror. I remember yelling at my mother in frustration one day saying "I wish I was bald!"
"Be careful what you wish for Maya. One day you'll appreciate this hair."
She sure was right about that.
I was in the sixth grade the first time I experienced hair loss. It was as if my hair had just disappeared on it's own. I was heartbroken. From the back of my head to the left side of my head I had balding. I covered it up with headbands until it eventually grew back. The doctors said that it was because of my anxiety. Some days I wish I could go back in time and tell them that the issue wasn't me but the way I was being treated that caused me this much stress.
My hair grew back but sadly so did my insecurities. Once I reached middle school we began to perm my hair. For the next 8 years I would damage my hair with chemicals on top of chemicals to cover what I was already blessed with in hopes of being acceptable. Until one day I decided I didn't want to be society's beautiful, I wanted to be the beautiful that God created me to be NATURALLY!
Rocking one of my very many wigs!
I remember the day I cut off my perm ends, looked myself in the mirror with a smile and finally felt like Maya again. I was so happy. For the next two years I grew my natural hair back to a beautiful length! It was the longest I had ever seen my hair in maybe 10 years. Then one day everything changed.
I had my hair in a protective style as I usually do when I reached to the back of my hair and felt a bit more space between my braids than usual. I took out my braids to do a treatment and sure enough I had found a great big bald spot in the back of my head. In a panic I began to wash my hair and suddenly it all began to fall out in large clumps. I broke down in tears. Why would God let this happen? How could this happen? Why can't I just be beautiful like everyone else?
My hair before it fell off!
That's when I realized something. For my whole life I was taught and believed that beauty could only be associated with hair. The more I thought about it the more ridiculous it was. As women we're pushed to shave in all the right areas and grow beautiful hair in others and for what? The approval of others? Hair at the end of the day is just that, HAIR! I am beautiful with or without it and anyone who disagrees isn't worth the time anyways!
I picked up my phone and I contacted a friend of mine who is a barber and booked an appointment. The next day I cut off my hair. YUP ALL GONE!
and guess what else...
I loved every single moment of it!
We still aren't sure what is causing the hair loss and to be honest I'm not sure if I will ever be able to have long hair again. At the same time I have peace, because now without or without my hair this journey has taught me to love myself for who I am and not what I look like.
I hope this encourages someone else on their journey too. Sometimes life throws curveballs and everything feels like it's falling apart trust me I know. Don't give up! Learn what you need to learn from your experiences, apply it to your life, and then move on! Whatever you are going through, use it to build you up! Don't let it knock you down.
Love,
MayaSpoken